It can be challenging to talk about sensitive subjects such as sexual violence with the people we are close to. We often already know that discussing these topics can be difficult, and want to be able to provide emotional support where it is needed. At the same time, we may not know how to navigate this kind of conversation. Not only is every person different, we any may not have encountered any similar experiences, or we may not fully understand the other person right away.

If you are planning to talk to someone who has had a traumatic sexual experience, it can be helpful to know how to approach the conversation. An experience of sexual violence may be a sensitive topic, so it’s important to be careful how you talk about it. 

That doesn't mean you should be afraid to talk about the issue at all. It's great that you are willing to offer a sympathetic ear. You can use the guidance below to help you handle delicate conversations like these.

 Wait before reacting or passing judgement

When someone else is telling you about their experience, it’s not always easy to imagine yourself in the same situation. Sometimes, you may react to that discomfort by trying to respond a bit too quickly. For example, people often want to sympathise with the speaker, and will say things like, “I know the feeling – something like that happened to me in the pub the other day.” Listeners may also jump to conclusions about what happens, or have an opinion about it. Sometimes, people react by minimising the other person's experience (“Why did that bother you?”), offering a judgement disproportionate to the situation (“Ugh, how annoying!”) or criticising the victim (“Typical of you not to think things through and trust everyone you meet.” The only thing these kinds of reactions do is risk making the listener feel misunderstood or unheard.

Victims/survivors often experience feelings of shame, guilt, and blame when it comes to both the experience and themselves. This can make it hard to talk about the incident. By not reacting too quickly, you can ensure that the person feels listened to and is able to be vulnerable with you. Don't be surprised if taking that time feels a little strange to you. Our first reactions often feel so natural that responding another way feels forced. It’s also the norm in many Western cultures not to stay quiet when around others, but to fill the silence by talking. Nevertheless, we recommend trying to react this way. Not saying anything is also a way of (silently) encouraging your conversation partner to continue.

Tell them it isn’t their fault

Victims/survivors often experience feelings of shame after their experience and may have a sense that what happened is their own fault. There are various different reasons people might feel guilty or ashamed. Regardless of what these are, it is important to tell victims/survivors that they are not to blame for the situation.

Other factors may also contribute to a victim/survivor feeling particularly vulnerable when sharing their story or talking to someone about how they feel.

Not all cultures and communities consider it acceptable for different types of people to demonstrate vulnerability or be open about their emotions. There is often a taboo on men expressing their emotions or being a victim of sexual violence. It is seen as a sign of weakness for a man to talk about his feelings.

Everyone has emotions. But even without taboos getting in the way, it isn’t always easy to express them. As such, sharing your feelings is an act of bravery. It's important to make that clear and show understanding if a victim/survivor indicates that they are having trouble expressing themselves. 

 Pay attention and ask open-ended questions

As humans, we feel the need to understand everything and (by doing so) put ourselves in other people’s shoes. In conversations, we are often on the lookout for common touchpoints that will allow us to connect our experiences to someone else’s. This tendency can, however, make it difficult to keep an open mind when listening to someone. At times, we may unconsciously project our own perspectives onto someone else's experience. 

While this is a very natural thing for people to do, it does increase the chance of falling into certain “listening pitfalls”. For example, we might finish another person’s sentences, offer (unwanted or inappropriate) advice, or ask questions that betray an imagined version of the situation (“Why didn't you say no?” or “Why did you go home with that person?”). 

Responses like these can make the victim feel that they are not being heard or understood, or that they are being criticised. Obviously, we want to avoid that.

That’s why it’s best to allow the victim to direct the conversation. This allows them to decide for themselves how much to share without being guided by someone else’s comments or suggestions.

 Respect the victim’s wishes

We often want the best for the people around us. Ideally, we would like to make everything better right away. But it may be the case that a victim/survivor doesn't want to share everything or receive practical help right away. Victims/survivors will appreciate having their wishes respected and choices supported.

As their friend, you may find it difficult to accept the victim’s preferences, precisely because you want them to feel better. But remember that help is only helpful if the person it is intended for actually wants it. Sometimes, people have their own private reasons for not wanting or being able to seek help (yet). The most helpful thing you can do in a situation like that, is support the victim/survivor and respect their wishes.

 #MeToo Conversation etiquette hints

Guidelines on how should you react when somebody shares with you that that person is a victim of sexual violence.

 Studentenpact

Sign the Studentenpact and download their action plan aimed at promoting positive sexuality in student life for student organisations. It's full of practical tips to help you get started, including topics such as raising awareness, appropriate conduct, providing support, and sanctions for perpetrators. You can find the Studentenpact website here.

 Download the “Are You Okay? toolkit

As an organisation, you want to ensure your members and guests have a stress-free good time. Unwanted sexual behaviour gets in the way of that goal. This toolkit will help you create measures to ensure your guests are safe and have fun – Download the free toolkit on the Are You Okay? website so you can be sure that your location and events are okay for everyone.

 De slachtofferwijzer (victim support guide)

Has someone in your club or organisation experienced intimidation or online sexual abuse? Use victim support guide on the Fonds Slachtofferhulp website to find out what kind of help they can access.

Want to learn more about sexual safety in general? In addition to our SOGI and disability support resources, there are plenty of other materials you can read, watch or listen to in order to find out more about the topic. We have a range of recommendations in Dutch and English. If you speak both languages, check both pages! Got any suggestions for us to add to the list? Let us know at sexualsafetyum@maastrichtuniversity.nl

On our Canvas course, you can find a comprehensive overview with viewing, listening, reading, and activity suggestions. We’ve also included resources on sex & religion, sexual orientation, sexes and gender (SOGI), and sex & disability. Go directly to the Canvas course to explore these and deepen your understanding of sexual safety.

Sexual violence is an umbrella term. This means it covers many different types of behaviour and situations. 

• Sexual assault
  Sexual assault involves the perpetrator forcing someone – whether physically or by other means – into sexual activity without their consent. This may be a physical activity, but it doesn’t need to be. For example, forcing someone to witness a sexual act is sexual assault, as is engaging in unwanted sexual contact or rape. 
  
  Some examples of sexual assault are:
  1. Non-consensual penetration or attempted penetration, generally referred to as rape (using force or the threat of force to insert a penis or object in the vagina, anus, or mouth)
  2. Attempted non-consensual penetration (attempted rape)
  3. Non-consensual sexual touching, such as touching someone’s breasts, crotch, or bottom, or kissing, fondling, or rubbing up against someone in a sexual way.
  

• Dating violence
  Dating violence refers to sexual assault in the context of a romantic, social, or intimate relationship. This includes, for example, situations involving married couples, first dates, casual sex partners, and friends.

• Domestic violence
  Domestic violence covers any kind of violence by someone who shares your living space. That includes sexual violence. 

• Sexual harassment
  Sexual harassment refers to sexually loaded advances and behaviour that the person it is directed towards experiences as unwanted and intimidating. Often, this is behaviour that makes you feel unsafe – for example because it is humiliating, insulting, or hurtful. It can include both things that people say (verbal harassment) and things that they do (non-verbal harassment). 
  
  For example, verbal sexual harassment might involve someone:
  1. Making dirty jokes or sexually loaded comments about you
  2. Asking you invasive questions about your sex life, such as whether or not you’re a virgin
  3. Telling you an explicit story about their own sex life
  4. Making sexual comments on your social media posts
  5. Calling you a slut or a whore
  6. Pushing or provoking you into talking about sexual matters
  7. Pressing you for romantic dates or hookups, even after you have said no
   
  Non-verbal sexual harassment could involve someone, for example:
  1. Messaging you sexual images
  2. Using social media to spread sexually loaded content
  3. Making suggestive gestures as you walk by
  4. Giving you a shoulder massage without warning
  5. Standing too close behind you
   
• Street harassment
  Street harassment is a form of sexual harassment that takes place in a public space. It can result in the target feeling anxious or afraid to visit certain places.
  
  A few examples are someone:
  1. Cat-calling or whistling at you
  2. Following you without your permission
  3. Exposing their genitals publicly

• Stalking (online and offline)

  
  Thanks to the impression given by movies and other media, the term stalker may conjure up an image of a “creep” lying outside your house and watching you with binoculars. Or you might imagine someone calling you repeatedly and hanging up without saying anything (a “heavy breather”). In reality, the situation may be less clear-cut.
  
  The definition of stalking as it relates to sexual violence is “the continual harassment of an individual, whether online or offline, in a way that includes a sexual element”. The situations described above come under that definition, but so do other circumstances. It is often the case that people are stalked by someone close to them, like a friend or partner.  In these situations, it can be difficult for victims/survivors to demonstrate to others that the perpetrator’s behaviour amounts to stalking. An observer might interpret someone sending a note as sweet and innocent behaviour, when it’s actually intimidating. 

  
  
  There are other types of stalking as well. For example, you may have had an enjoyable conversation on Tinder with someone who becomes pushy after you share your number, or you might be repeatedly added to group chats featuring sexual content.
  
  Stalking may also include behaviours such as: 
  1. Gathering personal information about someone, for example by going through their personal belongings, searching the internet, or contacting people who know them
  2. Damaging or threatening to damage someone’s belongings
  3. Gifting someone unwanted presents or other items
  4. Spreading rumours about someone, whether online or in person
  5. Making unwanted contact with someone in a pushy manner, whether offline (by post or telephone) or online (via email, social media, or apps)
   

• Photos and videos
  Passing on or sharing any sexually loaded “content” without your consent is a kind of sexual violence. This might happen, for example, in the context of group chats where intimate, sexual, or inappropriate messages or media are shared. This category also includes things like deepfakes, secret voice recordings, and blackmail. 

Current legislation does not specifically use the term “sexual violence”. This is because not every form of sexual violence is punishable by law. The forms of sexual violence that are included under criminal law are referred to as “sexual offences”.

Want to learn more about:

• What you can and are allowed to do after experiencing sexually inappropriate behaviour?
• Ways in which a victim/survivor may respond to an inappropriate sexual experience
• Possible effects of a sexually inappropriate experience
• Sexual offences and Dutch law (new legislation effective from 1 July 2024)
   

Then visit the Canvas course on Sexual Safety.

As we can see, good consent goes beyond just saying “yes”. Enthusiastic ongoing mutual consent describes the conditions necessary for giving and requesting consent:

• Consent is ongoing and reversible: You can change your mind about what you have consented to at any time.
• Consent is freely given: You are not saying yes just to avoid (implicit or explicit) negative consequences, or because you feel pressured. 
• Consent is enthusiastic: Neither party has any doubts or fears about their own or their partner’s consent.
• Consent is mutual: You both consent to the interaction.
• Consent is specific: For example, you might say “can I kiss you?” instead of “shall we go further?”

Want to learn more about consent, boundaries, desires, and how to ask for permission? Then visit the Canvas cursus Seksuele Veiligheid.

For more information on sexual health and the GGD, you can also refer to the Canvas course

In 2021, two hundred Amnesty International activists took action to raise awareness of the need to combat sexual assault among students. The Let’s Talk About Yes campaign called on higher education institutions to sign the LTAY manifesto against sexual assault.

The campaign and manifesto were responses to the findings of research into sexual assault among students by Amnesty International. The research showed that a large percentage of Dutch students are confronted with the issue. It also became apparent that many students don’t know where to turn for help within their academic institutions. The goal of the campaign was to start a conversation with higher education providers and create awareness. 

The LTAY manifesto was the first step towards achieving this. The manifesto lays out steps that education providers must take to increase sexual safety. These steps include introducing prevention measures, providing support to students, and ensuring appropriate processes. Maastricht University became a signatory of the manifesto in Autumn 2021. 

If you would like to learn more about Maastricht University and the Let’s Talk About Yes campaign, take a look at this page or this news article from UM. You can also read more about the campaign at Amnesty’s page here. If the topic interests you, you can also download Amnesty’s report on Dutch attitudes to rape.