Training and prevention

It can be challenging to talk about sensitive subjects such as sexual violence with the people we are close to. We often already know that discussing these topics can be difficult, and want to be able to provide emotional support where it is needed. At the same time, we may not know how to navigate this kind of conversation. Not only is every person different, we any may not have encountered any similar experiences, or we may not fully understand the other person right away.

If you are planning to talk to someone who has had a traumatic sexual experience, it can be helpful to know how to approach the conversation. An experience of sexual violence may be a sensitive topic, so it’s important to be careful how you talk about it. 

That doesn't mean you should be afraid to talk about the issue at all. It's great that you are willing to offer a sympathetic ear. You can use the guidance below to help you handle delicate conversations like these.

 Wait before reacting or passing judgement

When someone else is telling you about their experience, it’s not always easy to imagine yourself in the same situation. Sometimes, you may react to that discomfort by trying to respond a bit too quickly. For example, people often want to sympathise with the speaker, and will say things like, “I know the feeling – something like that happened to me in the pub the other day.” Listeners may also jump to conclusions about what happens, or have an opinion about it. Sometimes, people react by minimising the other person's experience (“Why did that bother you?”), offering a judgement disproportionate to the situation (“Ugh, how annoying!”) or criticising the victim (“Typical of you not to think things through and trust everyone you meet.” The only thing these kinds of reactions do is risk making the listener feel misunderstood or unheard.

Victims/survivors often experience feelings of shame, guilt, and blame when it comes to both the experience and themselves. This can make it hard to talk about the incident. By not reacting too quickly, you can ensure that the person feels listened to and is able to be vulnerable with you. Don't be surprised if taking that time feels a little strange to you. Our first reactions often feel so natural that responding another way feels forced. It’s also the norm in many Western cultures not to stay quiet when around others, but to fill the silence by talking. Nevertheless, we recommend trying to react this way. Not saying anything is also a way of (silently) encouraging your conversation partner to continue.

Tell them it isn’t their fault

Victims/survivors often experience feelings of shame after their experience and may have a sense that what happened is their own fault. There are various different reasons people might feel guilty or ashamed. Regardless of what these are, it is important to tell victims/survivors that they are not to blame for the situation.

Other factors may also contribute to a victim/survivor feeling particularly vulnerable when sharing their story or talking to someone about how they feel.

Not all cultures and communities consider it acceptable for different types of people to demonstrate vulnerability or be open about their emotions. There is often a taboo on men expressing their emotions or being a victim of sexual violence. It is seen as a sign of weakness for a man to talk about his feelings.

Everyone has emotions. But even without taboos getting in the way, it isn’t always easy to express them. As such, sharing your feelings is an act of bravery. It's important to make that clear and show understanding if a victim/survivor indicates that they are having trouble expressing themselves. 

 Pay attention and ask open-ended questions

As humans, we feel the need to understand everything and (by doing so) put ourselves in other people’s shoes. In conversations, we are often on the lookout for common touchpoints that will allow us to connect our experiences to someone else’s. This tendency can, however, make it difficult to keep an open mind when listening to someone. At times, we may unconsciously project our own perspectives onto someone else's experience. 

While this is a very natural thing for people to do, it does increase the chance of falling into certain “listening pitfalls”. For example, we might finish another person’s sentences, offer (unwanted or inappropriate) advice, or ask questions that betray an imagined version of the situation (“Why didn't you say no?” or “Why did you go home with that person?”). 

Responses like these can make the victim feel that they are not being heard or understood, or that they are being criticised. Obviously, we want to avoid that.

That’s why it’s best to allow the victim to direct the conversation. This allows them to decide for themselves how much to share without being guided by someone else’s comments or suggestions.

 Respect the victim’s wishes

We often want the best for the people around us. Ideally, we would like to make everything better right away. But it may be the case that a victim/survivor doesn't want to share everything or receive practical help right away. Victims/survivors will appreciate having their wishes respected and choices supported.

As their friend, you may find it difficult to accept the victim’s preferences, precisely because you want them to feel better. But remember that help is only helpful if the person it is intended for actually wants it. Sometimes, people have their own private reasons for not wanting or being able to seek help (yet). The most helpful thing you can do in a situation like that, is support the victim/survivor and respect their wishes.

 #MeToo Conversation etiquette hints

Guidelines on how should you react when somebody shares with you that that person is a victim of sexual violence.

 Studentenpact

Sign the Studentenpact and download their action plan aimed at promoting positive sexuality in student life for student organisations. It's full of practical tips to help you get started, including topics such as raising awareness, appropriate conduct, providing support, and sanctions for perpetrators. You can find the Studentenpact website here.

 Download the “Are You Okay? toolkit

As an organisation, you want to ensure your members and guests have a stress-free good time. Unwanted sexual behaviour gets in the way of that goal. This toolkit will help you create measures to ensure your guests are safe and have fun – Download the free toolkit on the Are You Okay? website so you can be sure that your location and events are okay for everyone.

 De slachtofferwijzer (victim support guide)

Has someone in your club or organisation experienced intimidation or online sexual abuse? Use victim support guide on the Fonds Slachtofferhulp website to find out what kind of help they can access.

Want to learn more about sexual safety in general? In addition to our SOGI and disability support resources, there are plenty of other materials you can read, watch or listen to in order to find out more about the topic. We have a range of recommendations in Dutch and English. If you speak both languages, check both pages! Got any suggestions for us to add to the list? Let us know at sexualsafetyum@maastrichtuniversity.nl

On our Canvas course, you can find a comprehensive overview with viewing, listening, reading, and activity suggestions. We’ve also included resources on sex & religion, sexual orientation, sexes and gender (SOGI), and sex & disability. Go directly to the Canvas course to explore these and deepen your understanding of sexual safety.