Guide how to not have success with girls

by: in Maastricht Students

While I’m writing this blog I’m still calming down from my football match tonight. We lost again (but we finally scored!) and I got very mad (emotional like one of my teammates called it), and since the game was pretty late (10 p.m.), I still need calming down before I can sleep. But this will work.

Now I will try to tell you some more interesting stuff about ‘the happenings’ in Montréal. For example something about Friday night. There was a party at 737, a club on the highest building of Montréal (awesome view!) organized by the international student association. So I think there were only international students from our uni, but more people wouldn’t have fitted in, the place wasn’t so big. And since it was raining (and no it wouldn’t stop..) nobody really was on the roof terrace to enjoy the view (or to dance in the rain). We expected to dehydrate because drinks would probably be veeery expensive, but since it was a ‘special’ occasion, we got drinks for one hour for just $2 (that’s a deal, I tell you!). Still, we didn’t get drunk because getting a drink took like 15 minutes. The people working there obviously weren’t too happy to serve students. So we just happened to dance, which was fun.

Since there were loads of different cultures mingled, lots of different ‘hitting on girls’ techniques were demonstrated. French boys for example, like to do it the subtle way. When I asked a random guy what he paid for his vodka-coke (after the ‘special deal hour’), he took the occasion to ask me how to spell my name (J-E-N-N-Y) and then probably thought it would be a cool move to type it into his phone (new contact tab) and then hand it to me so I could give him my phone number. Fail. A sad faced ‘Frenchy’ left..
Another subtle way of the French boys, is to just surround three girls with ten guys and then try to make the girls dance with you. So if they grab your hand and you don’t pull it away immediately, they try to pull you down the dance floor. Probably to have sex-with-clothes-on with you. Like a couple next to us did. You don’t need porn, just go out. Again: fail.

That brings us to the more direct ways of approaching. Try the Brazilian style. First try to get rid of the second beer in your hand (which is actually supposed for your friend) by trying to offer it to a random girl. If that doesn’t work, give the beer to your friend and then just start talking to the girls you tried to offer the beer. Tell the girl that your English sucks and that you’re very surprised that everyone is actually dancing. And if she asks why, tell her that in Brazil people don’t dance, but kiss if they go out (can anyone (dis)confirm this for me please?). Eventually you can try to kiss her, but don’t be surprised if she gives you a punch in your face.
If you don’t like talking at all, there is an even more direct way. Carefully approach a girl from the back, so she doesn’t see you coming. When you’re close enough, grab her hips and pull her towards you. If she tries to step forward, just keep holding. If she tries again to get away from you, just pull her back. If she in an desperate attempt jumps forward into the arms of one of her friends, pretend she hurts you and cry as sadly as possible “Why not?!”. The origin of this style is unknown.

So if you’re desperate to have whatever interaction with a girl, you could try one of the above mentioned ways, but I highly doubt it will work unless you try to hit on a girl that is just as desperate as you are. You can recognize them by the following characteristics: either dancing on a pole and hanging upside down while she’s wearing a dress (yes, so you can see her underwear) OR if she’s wearing very short shorts and a very short shirt while she doesn’t really have the belly to go under it. “Less is more”, you know..

There is one way though which might eventually work. At first, be very cute and ask three girls (standing in front of a map) if they can help you find your way back home. If you say that you find Montréal very confusing because you’re used to a cute little city like Dublin, they will definitely do their best to figure out north, east, west and south on a map with north at the downside AND to figure the same out for the very place you’re standing at the very moment. It works even better if you don’t look at the map and just make them explain where you have to go. If you did that, play hard to get and just go home. The girls will think of you as cute and nice and (thank god!) not annoying at all 

So, to all international male students: Please be aware of how immensely annoying you are if you don’t make a pass on a girl in a proper way. Either do it good (you might inform yourself about the ongoing ‘rules’) or just don’t! All the not-desperate girls will be very thankful!

About the author

Jenny studied in Maastricht University and was a contributor to the Maastricht Students blog from July 2012 to December 2012.