Sexual safety - information

Being subjected to sexual violence is an intense and often shocking experience. A threatening situation of this kind causes strong physical reactions. People may feel as though these automatic responses “took over” and they were not fully in control of their actions. That can be difficult to deal with later on. You might be angry at yourself because you wish you had reacted another way, or think the incident might not have happened if you had done something differently.

On top of that, the experience can affect you in other ways. You might not automatically connect some symptoms, such as getting headaches or stammering when you speak, to the incident.

A traumatic experience can lead to a wide range of different reactions and sensations. It can be reassuring to learn more so that you understand what these responses are and where they come from.
 

During the incident: fight, flight, freeze and fawn

When you feel threatened, your body will react to your fear with one of the following stress responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Going into “fight” mode means that your body gets ready to confront your attacker. By contrast, having a “flight” reaction means try to flee to escape the situation. “Freezing” means that your body is unable to react: it is difficult or impossible to do or say anything in response to the threat. A “fawn” response is a survival strategy in which you try to appease or please the attacker.  In particular, fawn and freeze reactions may cause the victim/survivor to experience feelings of self-blame  unnecessarily. These reactions are natural, instinctive responses by our bodies and nervous systems to a (potentially life-)threatening situation.
 

After the incident

The way different people behave after experiencing an incident can vary wildly. Some people will react right away, while others may not respond until much later, or in a way that isn't clearly associated with their experience. For example, someone may:

●    Appear unaffected
●    Be in shock
●    Cry uncontrollably
●    Feel very angry or frustrated
●    Be ashamed or blame themselves
●    Want to shower frequently or thoroughly
●    Act like it’s not a big deal

In addition to their short-term reactions, survivors may suffer longer-lasting consequences as a result of their experience. These effects may be persistent and unpleasant. Whether or not someone experiences such longer-term effects, and what kind of effects they experience, varies from person to person.

Emotional effects

If you are experiencing strong emotions after experiencing sexual violence, you are not alone. Intense, recurring, or long-lasting emotions are a common effect.
 

• Feelings of guilt

Feelings of guilt are common. Some survivors even feel as though the sexual assault was their fault. Sometimes, this is related to the perpetrator’s attitude or manipulative behaviour. Other victims may feel guilty because they feel that they are betraying the perpetrator in some way. Some survivors can also feel as though they are responsible for additional “collateral damage”: they feel guilty about the impact that revealing the assault has on the people around them. All this can be very confusing, particularly if the survivor is experiencing multiple types of guilt.
 

• Shame

Like guilt, shame comes in various different forms. For example, you may feel "dirty" and devalued, and worry that people can tell what happened just from looking at you; you may feel that you should have known not to do (X) or not to trust the perpetrator; you may worry that people see you as “slutty”, or that the incident was caused by your own sexual behaviour. Shame may prevent you from sharing your experience because you are worried  about being rejected by your social group. As a result, you can get very tangles up in feelings of shame.
 

• Sadness

If someone doesn't respect you and your boundaries, it can have an impact on your self-esteem and self-image. It can make you feel as though your boundaries are unworthy of being respected. You may also find that your view of the world has become less optimistic, or feel as though your ability to freely enjoy yourself – in terms of sex, your body, and in general – has been taken away from you completely or in part. All these examples can make you feel bad about yourself and your surroundings, leading to feelings of sadness.
 

Psychological effects

Psychological effects are changes to your mental processes that you find unpleasant or that make it harder for you to function. Often, these take the form of persistent feelings or thought patterns. They may also cause you to change your behaviour. For example, people may:

●    Isolate themselves
●    Start using drugs or alcohol
●    No longer want to visit public spaces

Other psychological symptoms resulting from incidents of sexual violence include:

●    Loss of concentration
●    Cognitive difficulties
●    Flashbacks
●    Disordered sleep
●    Depression
●    Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
●    (Thoughts of) suicide

Physical symptoms

Always be sure to consult to a medical professional if you think you may have been physically injured, contracted an STD, or become pregnant. Sexual violence can also result in internal injuries, such as internal bleeding. It is recommended that you get checked by a medical professional after experiencing physical violence. If you think you may have contracted an STD, get in touch with the GGD. You can find information about and contact details for the GGD on our Quick Help page.

Even if you haven't experienced physical violence, you may still experience physical symptoms. Physical symptoms can also result from your body going into “survival mode” during a threatening situation. For example, you might feel exhausted, have a headache or stomach pain, or find yourself stuttering when you speak.

There is no one correct way to handle a traumatic sexual experience. Whatever the situation, you are in charge of deciding what you want to do.

If you are experiencing difficulties and would like to discuss them with someone, do so in a way that makes you feel safe, listened to, and comfortable. Always listen to your feelings when you are deciding who to speak to. You may want to discuss things with someone close to you, someone from the university, or a professional.
 

Talk to someone close to you

There can be benefits to talking about your experience with a friend or family member you trust. Talking to someone can help you feel less alone. It can also be reassuring to know that there is someone you can call when you feel bad.

At the same time, you don’t have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to. You don’t owe anyone a conversation about an upsetting experience.

If you do decide to entrust someone with your story, it can be helpful to prepare for the conversation beforehand. That gives you the opportunity to think about what you do and don’t want to share. You can tell people as much or as little as you like.

Thinking about how you expect people to react can be helpful, too.  People don’t always know how to react to being told about an upsetting experience. While you always hope for the best reaction, it can be useful to prepare for different responses so that you don’t feel blindsided if you are faced with them.

Talk to someone at the university or seeking professional help

Seeking professional help can be a nerve-racking step. Finding someone who can help you isn't always a hole in one. Sometimes people talk to a number of different professionals before they find the person who is the right fit for them.

You are not alone in this. There are a number of different support options available at the university. And if you want to look for support outside the university, we are happy to help you find it. You can find an overview of the different options within and outside the university on our support page.

Choosing whether or not to make a police report

If you have been the victim of a sexual offence, you may be wondering whether or not to take legal steps.

In that case, and even if you already know that you want to take matters further, we recommend that you contact the Limburg police sexual offences team (tel. 0900-8844). Doing this enables you to gather information about deciding whether or not to inform the police, providing an initial account, and filing a report.

If you are looking for help – whether medical, psychological, or in making a report – get in touch with the Sexual Assault Center (CSG). The experts who work there can advise you what to expect from a forensic examination (to identify and record any injuries and/or evidence resulting from the crime). They will also offer you options for additional support.

It is important to get in touch as soon as possible after the incident. You can contact either the police (if you would like the police to be involved) or the Sexual Assault Center. It is recommended that you do this in order to identify and record evidence (within 7 days) and to receive treatment for HIV (within 72 hours).

Something that you may want to consider is that once you file a police report, it is not always easy or possible to withdraw it. The public prosecutor may also decide to pursue the suspect independently after hearing an initial account. This is because the public prosecutor’s role involves making a risk assessment pertaining to the public interest.

You are not required to file a police report. If you decide to go this route, you should be sure that it is what you want to do.
 

Going to the police

The first time you contact the police, you won't be making a police report yet. Before you make a report (“aangifte doen”), you need to inform the police of the incident (“melding doen”). Doing so means that you want to let the police know something has happened. When you call the police, you’ll let them know that you want to inform them of an incident.

They will then put you in contact with the sexual offences team. Based on what you tell them on the phone, they will assess whether the situation concerns a punishable offence. This determines whether or not you can make a report. If they believe this is a possibility, they will invite you to share an initial account. This can be done by telephone, but you can also make an appointment to share your initial account at the police station. In an initial account, you give a general outline of your experience, but don’t go into details. Based on your account, the police will discuss which next steps are or are not possible with you.

In some cases, it may not be clear whether you will be able to file a police report. If this is the case, the detectives will need to consider it further internally. If filing a report is an option, an appointment to do so can be arranged right away. Of course, you may want some time to think it over first. If so, you will have 1–2 weeks to decide whether you would like to do so. If filing a report is not possible, it is usually still possible to go through the process of informing the police. This can help the police take action in future, for example if multiple people file a report or provide information concerning the same person.

If you would like support or assistance in making the report, you can also speak to the Dutch victim support service Slachtofferhulp Nederland. They can give you advice about things like lawyers specialising in sexual abuse cases, and are sometimes able to accompany you to the police station to make a report.

Staff from the Sexual Assault Center can also accompany you if you decide to make a police report.

If you want to contact the police directly, call 0900-8844. The police can take calls in several languages, and there is a telephone interpreting service available.

Not all forms of sexual violence are punishable under Dutch law. Those that are are called sexual offences.

The Dutch Criminal Code is used to determine whether something is classed as a sexual offence. There are a number of articles in the Dutch Criminal Code that cover sexual offences. Among other things, sexual offences include:

●  Rape (article 242)
●  Child pornography (article 240 B)
●  Flashing (article 239)
●  Sexual assault (article 246)
●  Sexual abuse by abuse of authority/trust (article 249)
●  Sextortion / sexual blackmail (article 318)

New legislation (the Sexual Offences Bill) will come into effect in mid-2024. When it does, the articles covering sexual offences will be expanded.  For example, the new law will require both partners to (verbally) provide explicit consent when they engage in sexual activity.

Sufficient evidence

In order to pursue a criminal case, there needs to be evidence that enables the police to file charges. Unfortunately, many incidents that might be classed as sexual offences do not meet the bar for prosecution. This means there is no or not enough evidence to demonstrate that a sexual offence has taken place. 

This can be incredibly frustrating for many victims/survivors, and can make them feel like their experience doesn’t matter. However, the charges being dropped doesn’t mean that the incident wasn’t serious.

Modernisation of legislation on sexual offences 

The current legislation on sexual offences will be modernised in 2024.

This means that more forms of sexual violence will become punishable by law. The new law will criminalise adults “sex chatting” (both online and offline) with minors, sexual harassment, and sexual contact against someone’s wishes.

Not only will new laws be added, but existing legislation will be updated.
In the legislation prior to 2024, a number of sexual offences – such as rape – are defined as being “carried out under duress”. In practice, “under duress” has proven to be too high a bar. The new Sexual Offences Bill will instead refer to having sex with someone against their will. Among other things, this will include an article relating to “rape by negligence” (schuldverkrachting). This will stipulate that explicit (verbal) consent must be given by both sexual partners.

Penalties for offences will also be increased. In addition to this, the new law and official language will move away from using the Dutch term zedendelicten, which refers to crimes related to standards of moral behaviour, and instead refer to these crimes explicitly as seksuele misdrijven (sexual offences).

You can find more extensive information in Dutch on the Fonds Slachtofferhulp website. For more detailed information on the new law and the offences that will be added to the legislation, see the websites of the Tweede Kamer or the Government of the Netherlands.

Everyone has things that they would like to do and things that they don’t want to. Having a pillow fight with your little brother might be fun, but if you have an injured knee you wouldn’t want him to take a swing at it. That’s a boundary.

In this case, it’s an example of a physical boundary, but boundaries can also be emotional. Communicating our boundaries is how we let people know how we want to be treated. The more vulnerable and potentially threatening the situation feels, the more sensitive we may be about our boundaries. That’s why it’s important to actively pay attention to boundaries surrounding sex and intimacy in order to avoid unpleasant consequences. You can do this by getting consent.

Asking for consent isn’t just about getting a “yes” or a “no” – the way in which consent is requested and given matters too.  Sexual activities are only truly consensual when you have ongoing enthusiastic mutual consent.
 

What is ongoing enthusiastic mutual consent?

Consent is a pretty straightforward concept, right? One of you asks for consent, and the other answers with “yes” or “no”. Do we really need that many extra words to describe it?

We often assume that it will be obvious when someone is providing consent, and sometimes – only sometimes – it is. For example, if I say “Can I have the last bite of your cookie?” it’s pretty clear what will happen if you say “Yes”. I take the last bite, the cookie disappears, and that’s the end of that.

But what if I ask you if I can taste your food at the start of a five-course dinner? Can I try something from every course, or just the first one? How big a bite am I allowed to take? The longer a situation goes on and the more significant it is, the more complicated consent becomes.

In a sexual context, consent can be similarly unclear. For example, you might have said “yes” to sex, but decide you’d prefer not to have oral sex. Or you might have felt under pressure to say “yes” in the first place. It’s important to make sure consent is as clear as possible.

This is where “ongoing enthusiastic mutual consent” comes in. It’s a term that describes the conditions the consent needs to fulfil, which are:

1. Ongoing and reversible: you can choose to revoke your consent even after you have given it. This means that you can change your mind at any time.
2. Freely given and enthusiastic: if you say “yes”, you are doing so of your own free will. That means you aren’t just saying yes because you are concerned about the (implicit or explicit) negative consequences of saying no, or because you are being pressured. It should be clear that you are enthusiastic about having sex. Enthusiasm means agreeing to something wholeheartedly, without fear or hesitation, and with excitement.
3. Mutual: both you and your partner need to give consent.
4. Specific: it has been made clear what activity the consent is for. For example: “Can I kiss you?”.
   
    

How to ask for consent

There is a common belief that sex should be “spontaneous” and that asking for permission gets in the way of that.

But in actual fact, consent is a requirement of enjoyable sex. If you and your partner are 100% sure that you are both having fun, it creates a safe and open atmosphere. It also shows that you are willing to be vulnerable with each other. It can be very attractive when someone is willing to be open with you.

Nevertheless, it can still feel like a tricky question to ask: it might seem awkward, nerve-racking, or scary. So, how do you go about it?

Step 1: pay attention to non-verbal signals
If you’re nervous about asking the question upfront, keep an eye out for “yes” and “no” signals. For example, someone not taking initiative, tensing up, turning away, or not visibly enjoying themselves are “no” signals. By contrast, flirting, making eye contact, and taking the initiative are examples of “yes” signals.

Step 2: “How are you feeling?”
Sometimes, you might feel like you’re getting mixed signals. Perhaps your partner is flirting back, but seems tense. If you notice this, give them an opening to talk about it. You can start simply by mentioning it (“You seem a bit tense. Are you alright?”) and asking questions (“Is it because of what we’re doing right now?) Here are a few more questions that might be helpful: “How are you feeling?” “What do you need?” “What do you feel like doing tonight?”

Step 3: talk about what you want to do 
So all signs point to yes and your partner has given you positive answers to your questions. Time to make absolutely sure you’re on the same page.  If you’re still hesitating to pop the question, it might help to tell your partner what your intentions are – perhaps in a suggestive way (“I’d really like to try ... with you tonight. How would you like that?”)

Step 4: take things slowly and give each other space
Answering these question can be as nerve-racking as asking them. Your partner might not want you to feel rejected, or they might not be sure what they want themselves. If you don’t get an enthusiastic “yes” to a question, slow down. The most important thing is that both of you have a good time.

Step 5: let the other person know it’s always okay to say “no”
Finally, telling your partner that you like being able to communicate freely and clearly about sex can also improve the mood. Let them know that their desires are important to you, and that you want to know if there’s something they don’t want – or are really, really into!

Alcohol & drugs

Alcohol and drugs can also affect consent. The use of alcohol increases the risk of someone’s sexual boundaries being violated. This applies both to your risk of violating someone else’s boundaries, and having your own boundaries violated by someone else.

Research has even shown that in 68% of reported cases of sexual assault among students, either the victim or perpetrator had been drinking alcohol. Make sure you are well-informed and take extra care to ensure that you have mutual enthusiastic ongoing consent when having sex. Take a look at this page by Sense for more tips and information regarding drugs and sex.

At present, sexual violence and sexual assault are systemic problems in the Netherlands. Research on this issue has also revealed that rates of sexual violence among students are high. The university is meant to be somewhere you can develop as a person. You can only do this if you are safe. The Sexual Safety Programme is intended to promote sexual safety and encourage everyone at the university to work towards a better environment together.
 

Being healthy means feeling good overall. More specifically, being in good health can be defined as

  “a condition of physical, mental, and social well-being”. 

In addition to keeping your body in good condition – for example by making sure that you eat two pieces of fruit a day – other aspects of your well-being play a role in your overall health. Your sexual health is just one of those aspects. But in contrast to, say, a vitamin C deficiency, you can't just take a pill to improve your sexual health. So, what does “sexual health” refer to?

Sexual health is your well-being in relation to your overall sexuality, including any physical, emotional, psychological, social, and spiritual aspects. As such, sexual health is about much more than the act of sexual intercourse itself. Rather, it is about having a positive and respectful approach to sexuality physically, mentally, and in terms of your interactions and relationships. 

Sexual autonomy

Sexual autonomy is an important part of sexual health. We use autonomy in various contexts to mean the ability to exercise our free will independently, and sexual autonomy is no different. Having sexual autonomy means making clear what you do and don’t want: both your desires and your boundaries.

 You may have absorbed attitudes – from (old-fashioned) values, (subconscious) gender roles, or your cultural or religious background – that make you resistant towards being assertive when it comes to sexual pleasure. You may have internalised the idea that it is wrong to enjoy sex, that asking for what you want is rude, or that it’s “slutty” for women to talk about what they want sexually. As a result, you may never have had the opportunity to learn what you do and don’t want.

At the same time, you will often hear in the context of sexual safety that you need to be able to communicate your boundaries to your partner. But what if you don’t know what your boundaries are in the first place? You need to develop your sexual autonomy in order to be able to have good sex.

Reduced sexual autonomy has also been shown to be a risk factor when it comes to sexual assault. Not only does reduced sexual autonomy mean that you may find it difficult to communicate your boundaries, it can also mean that you have internalised the attitude that you are less important than your partner. You might have gotten the idea that your desires are secondary to your partner’s, or that sex is something you have to endure, not enjoy.

Normalising our connection to our body and sexuality is an important part of promoting sexual autonomy. On an individual level, it can be useful to ask yourself questions about values and expectations around sex, or to discuss them with a professional.

Take a look at this website for more advice about sexual autonomy. You can find more in-depth information on sexual autonomy here and here .

STDs, contraception, and pregnancy

In order to prevent STDs and pregnancy, it is important to practise safe sex. In short: you need to use contraception. While many students receive some sex education during middle school, it is usually the case that not everyone knows everything.

People aren’t always aware of practical information, such as the fact that not all forms of contraception can protect you against all STDs or how different STDs can be transmitted.

In addition to this practical knowledge, being able to navigate certain social situations is also important. For example, how do you make sure that you and your partner agree about contraceptive methods? How do you talk about condoms when you’re already pulling each others’ clothes off? In situations like these, things may not go the way you expect.

Want to know more about contraception, pregnancy, and the risk of infections? Take a look at the SENSE and Zanzu websites.  (Zanzu is available in 16 languages!)  Both websites provide answers to questions about your body, relationships, feelings, and sexuality.